Playmobil Pirates is a product that doesn’t seem to have a clear idea of what it wants to be. It’s based on the popular “imaginative play” figures that are aimed at younger children. The gameplay comes off as a simplified, linear version of Sid Meier’s Pirates. The content (which earned it an E10+ rating) veers into the adolescent periodically. I’m honestly not sure the designers had a clue about their intended audience.

The gameplay itself is decent, if occasionally frustrating. It opens with a cut scene of a mermaid princess being captured by the villainous soldiers. She hurls a scrap of map out the windows of a ship and that launches the player’s quest. Ultimately, players must complete 70 missions to gather all nine pieces of the map and rescue the mermaid.

Much of the game involves fetch quests of the type “go to point X to collect item Y and bring it to location Z.” All of the locations are islands, so the player will need to secure a ship. A convenient shipwright keeps a shop on some of the islands. Players can get gold in run-and-jump levels and then trade the gold for a ship. Better ships (of course) cost more gold, but even a simple raft is enough to get from one island to another. As players explore the map, they’ll find opportunities for trade which vastly increases their earning potential. As players progress through the missions, they’ll be asked to rescue shipwrecked pirates in a life-preserver-flinging mini-game, dive for sunken treasure in a jellyfish-dodging mini-game, battle soldier’s ships in a sea combat mini-game and vanquish sea serpents in a different sea combat mini-game. Most of these present little challenge, but occasionally the level of difficulty is ratcheted up to a level that would certainly frustrate most of the players who would be attracted to the game.

Most missions will involve a run-and-jump level on one (or more) of the islands. These involve sword-fighting with the soldiers while dodging crabs, scorpions, and coconut-throwing monkeys. The difficulty level increases as the game progresses and the final level is sure to frustrate pretty much all gamers with it’s blind jumps and complex timing.

Occasionally, the mission involves playing a betting game with Bony Bill the Cardsharp. These range from dice and card games to reasonably entertaining versions of air hockey and Battleship. Gambling is non-optional and these mini-quests must be completed before players are allowed to continue with the game.

More troubling is the content of some of the fetch quests. In one, the player has to secure a “Mango Milkshake” for a clearly inebriated pirate who is desperate for another drink. In another, the head pirate jokes that he enticed his crew aboard with the promise of beer.

Really?

Did somebody think that alcohol jokes were a good idea in a game based on a line of children’s toys?

Worse yet, there are a number of instances of language that parents are likely to find troubling.

A frustrated pirate demands that the player, “ask him where the d*mned wood is” (asterisk mine.) Another laments “If my wife finds out about this she'll give me h*ll!” (asterisk mine.) Yet another complains that a parrot “sh.. in my eye!” (dots included in game text.)

Really.

While it’s easy to see why the game was given an E10+ rating, it’s tough to understand why the designers thought it was necessary to include this kind of language.

For most players, the game will provide a very few hours of mild entertainment. Once the main game is completed, the only replay value comes from the single-card multi-player option which permits you to challenge another DS owner to the Battleship game.

Playmobil Pirates for DS should have been an entertaining product for the younger players. Instead, it’s a disappointing product that can’t seem to figure out what niche it wants to occupy.